Too Asian. Not Asian Enough. What Belonging Taught Me About My Body

Sep 17

Theme: Belonging

By Dr. Quỳnh-Hương Nguyễn (She/They/Chi/Chanh)
Mental Health Coach, Founder of Patterns Pivot

I've spent much of my life feeling like I was standing in the doorway between worlds.

Too Vietnamese in some spaces. Not Vietnamese enough in others. Too American when I visited Vietnam. Not American enough growing up in Chicago.

Too outspoken. Too quiet. Too emotional. Too ambitious. Too much. Not enough.

Somewhere along the way, I began believing that belonging was something I had to earn. Looking back, I don't think I was searching for the "right" identity. I was searching for somewhere my whole self could exist.

Growing Up Between Cultures

I grew up in Chicago during a time when there weren't many Southeast Asian families in my neighborhood. Being Vietnamese wasn't something many of my classmates understood. When I brought Vietnamese food to school, it became a conversation before I ever got to eat.

"What is that?" "That smells weird." "You're eating that?"

Children don't always realize they're teaching one another what belongs. Eventually, I started hiding my lunch. Sometimes I'd ask for something that looked more "American." Sometimes I simply hoped no one would notice. Food wasn't just food anymore. It became another place where I learned that fitting in sometimes meant making myself smaller.

Then I Went to Vietnam

When I was finally able to visit Vietnam and meet extended family, I thought maybe things would feel different. Instead, I discovered another set of expectations. Relatives commented on my body almost immediately. I was told I was "fat."

Looking back now, I had what many Americans would simply describe as a normal child's body. But bodies are never judged in isolation. They're judged through culture.

History. Beauty standards. Gender expectations. Migration. Colonization. Family.

I was too big by one standard. Too small by another. Too American. Not Vietnamese enough. For a child, that's confusing.

You begin to wonder: "If I don't fit here...and I don't fit there...where exactly do I belong?"

Belonging Is More Than Geography

As I've gotten older, I've realized this wasn't only about being Vietnamese. It was about navigating multiple identities all at once. Being the daughter of refugees. Growing up in a low-income family. Being multilingual but never feeling fully fluent in either language. Being one of the first in my family to navigate higher education. Being queer before I had language for queerness. Being neurodivergent long before anyone recognized it. Being assigned expectations because I was the eldest daughter.

Each identity came with different expectations. Different rules. Different ways I was expected to behave. Sometimes those expectations supported one another. Sometimes they completely contradicted each other.

And somehow I was supposed to make all of them fit into one person.

My Body Became the Negotiator

When belonging feels uncertain, many of us start negotiating with ourselves.

Maybe if I lose weight...people will accept me.

Maybe if I speak better English...I'll fit in.

Maybe if I stop speaking Vietnamese…people won't ask questions.

Maybe if I become successful enough..I'll finally feel like I belong.

Maybe if I'm helpful enough...necessary enough...productive enough...perfect enough...then people will choose me.

I don't think I was trying to become healthier. I think I was trying to become acceptable. There's a difference. One comes from self-care. The other comes from survival.

The Pattern Was Never Really About My Body

For years, I believed my body was the problem. It felt easier to blame my body than to question the systems surrounding it. It wasn't until much later that I realized something. My body had become the place where I stored every message I'd ever received about worthiness.

Beauty. Gender. Culture. Race. Success. Belonging.

Every criticism became another piece of evidence that I needed to become someone different. But changing my body never actually answered the question I was asking.

The real question wasn't, "How do I become smaller?"

It was, "Where do I get to exist without constantly editing myself?"

Identity Is Not a Problem to Solve

One of the things I love most about coaching is watching people realize they don't actually need permission to become themselves. So many of us have spent years adapting.

Code-switching. People-pleasing. Masking. Translating. Explaining. Anticipating. Shrinking. Expanding. Trying to become whoever each room needed us to be.

Those skills aren't flaws. Many of them helped us survive. But survival and belonging aren't the same thing.

Belonging isn't built by becoming easier to understand. Belonging is built by finding spaces where your complexity is welcomed.

What This Looks Like in Coaching

Many people come to coaching believing they're searching for clarity. Often, they're searching for themselves.

Together, we explore the patterns that developed through family, culture, identity, relationships, and lived experience.

Not to judge them. Not to erase them. But to understand them. Because once we understand why a pattern developed, we gain something incredibly powerful.

Choice. You don't have to reject your culture to care for yourself. You don't have to choose between honoring your family and honoring your own needs. You don't have to become less of who you are to deserve belonging.